Posted by: eightweleve | July 7, 2009

on my brain hurts

sometimes i think too much. and it makes my brain hurt. today it seems i cannot escape my own thoughts. i even spent an hour over lunch just scratching away in my journal. and no sooner did i have all of that particular issue down, another one popped up. so this is my attempt to journal electronically, because i think my hand might fall off if i physically write anymore.

i spent most of the day listening to bethel church podcasts while i was working. for those of you who dont know, bethel is a church in redding, california. they are seeing some paradigm breaking kingdom stuff (ie. cancers physically falling off of people, deaf ears opening, legs growing, the dead being raised.) i mean, c’mon! so this is where my spirit has been most of the day.

at the end of the day it is just myself and another co-worker remaining in the office. this particular lady has been feeling pretty crummy lately. she actually had to go to the emergency room a couple of nights ago because her throat was too swollen. anywho i was just talking to her, trying to cheer her up. and in that moment i totally felt poked a little bit from the Holy Spirit to pray for her healing. but i didnt. i just shrugged it off. and my response, or lack thereof, has been bugging me ever since.

i dont know why i really haven’t been more outspoken in my faith at my job. maybe its because it is my first adult job, and it feels a little awkward? but, really, i think it is just some fear of man in me. i am trying to save my life too much. and honestly, that kind of stinks.

there is such an interesting dynamic in my department regarding faith. i know that there are some believers around, but no one seems to be too concerned with making it too known (if you know what i mean). so i dont pray for my sick colleague, because (for some reason) i dont want to be that guy. and looking at it now, it seems pretty silly.

of course i want to pray for her. of course i want to see my coworkers really encounter the living Christ in a dramatic and life altering way. but, blah, sometimes i just get in the way. shouldnt i be over this whole fear of man thing already? (ha.)

so pray with me that Jesus would enable me to be more courageous at work in praying for people. but more than that, pray that i would live a unapologetic,  consistent, Spirit-filled life wherever i am. help me Jesus.



  1. “come on!” you sound like some of them bethel folk. 😉 glad to know i’m not the only one whose head hurts.

    here’s to boldness and confidence with wisdom and discernment.

    i love you guys.

  2. Consider why you hesitate. Is it because you are afraid God won’t heal and then you look stupid? This has been my reason. The more freeing response is to hand over the answer to God. What happens if you pray for her and she isn’t healed? Did you not doing something right? Does God not heal? NO! Join me in letting go of fear that if nothing happens it changes who God is or I’ve failed in some way. God answers every prayer. It is just not up to us how he answers. It’s offering in love and concern that makes the difference. You know you have no medical knowledge or wisdom to offer, but what you do have is Jesus. When someone is suffering perhaps it isn’t healing they need but to cling to Jesus while they suffer which will produce more fruit than a quick fix healing.

    I also recently asked for counsel about my Holy Spirit Power season over 10 years ago. My question was why no now? And these folks were with me through that time although they are in their 60s. Their answer was it has borne the fruit God meant for it. God is not more powerful in outward manifestations than he is in the daily grind. I would say he is more powerful in the daily grind b/c that takes more faith to live! When we SEE the work of God it’s not difficult to believe. When we don’t see it in radical ways, does He change? Again, no. He is most likely drawing us into a secret place. He shows himself in small ways b/c he wants us to know he is in the small things, I would argue moreso than in the big things. The fact that you and I are breathing and not struck down by his earned judgment is the most powerful gift of grace today. If you had a leg missing and he never restored it you have not lacked. It is He who Satisfies. And I’m not talking in super spiritual terms. I mean, today when I change another diaper, fold more laundry, kiss my husband, I am experiencing the goodness and power of God.

    Love you brother. Wrestle on. He’s with you.

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