Posted by: eightweleve | May 13, 2010

on living in the shadow of the fall

Well, first I couldn’t get comfortable and fall back to sleep, and now thunderstorms are rolling through. So I might as well try to pluck out a few random thoughts about the last few weeks, especially since I jacked up my elbow a week and a half ago.

In a word, I just feel dissatisfied; extremely dissatisfied. But let me clarify first. I love my family. There is no one I would rather be with all of the time. Really…all the time.  I am completely satisfied with them. And therein is the root of my feelings.

Another thing I am noticing is just how ‘dadgum’ fast life is moving by. Mason is 16 months old today and I just don’t want to miss a moment with him and Sally.  And then I leave for the majority of the week at my job.  It is just tearing me up inside. Well, not lately, because I have been at home recovering from the elbow thing. It’s just, I wake up, go to work, come home, see Mason for a couple of hours, get some time in with Sally (which a lot of the time is recovering from the office), go to bed, repeat. Then the weekend flies back, and I find myself back in my office, wondering if it’s all really worth it (the rat race)?

I need to know what I am doing matters. And though I enjoy my job, my day to day work doesn’t really matter.  I try to pep-talk myself that the people there are important to God (and they are), but I have found it difficult to really see Kingdom impact because they are mostly women and that’s not appropriate.

Maybe I’m just feeling the weight of living in the shadow of the fall?

I’ve done the full time ministry gig. I have done the full time employee thing; both in interested and disinterested fields. I have considered more schooling (no thanks). And since I know that the corporate world is not a long term fit for me, I have begun to entertain the idea of owning my own business; whether that’s an actual company or store, or a decentralized asset growing (real estate, etc); whether that’s indoors or outdoors…I’m just itching for something that would foster a lifestyle that allows my best time to be with my family in my home city (Norman). But at the same, I realize that I have got a HUGE learning curve to get there. Ugh.

I could go on and on, wishing that I could do what I am naturally good at and enjoy, provide for my family, and be able to be with my family more…but my left arm is wearing out and I don’t have an answer. So Lord, I am placing all of this before You, and simply ask that You would be my help.

Even so, come Lord Jesus. Breathe in me.

Amen.

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Responses

  1. Matt, you have amazing potential. The learning curve may be HUGE, but it will inspire, encourage, and challenge you. I have complete confidence that you can own your own business, in a field you love, that has huge Kingdom implications.
    I fully believe it is possible for you, with your creativity, talents, and work ethic to start something new. It may take a lot of work and a huge investment, but I KNOW there is a more satisfying destiny in store for you and your family.
    Dream on.


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